What's Up With These 'Gary Coleman' Rockers?
By the Editor

What in the world us up with these dinosaur rockers from the 70's? You know, the ones that used to fill sports arenas, grace the cover of Rolling Stone and lose track of all their gold albums that were usually ingeniously titled with Roman numerals. The ones that talk about their cocaine habit on "VH1's Behind the Music". They still think its 1972!

Let me explain. In my limited 5+ years of rock and roll journalism, I've noticed a very peculiar affliction, which is solely attached to one group: the above mentioned "mega-stars of the 70's". However, not all the artists of the 70's are infected, as punk rockers and new waver's are immune to this condition. It is very limited to the AOR favorites of FM radio. They were used to reporters from Rolling Stone magazine in the 70's knocking their door down for interviews.

Flash forward to the new millennium. I guess it is too much of a reality shock to have a reporter from a humble little music magazine, asking for interviews. True, I have NO budget, but I do have worldwide exposure thanks to the internet! I mean, it was easier to arrange an interview with Britney Spears than these rockers. Yes, I did interview Ms. Spears (but no, the interview does not grace EAR CANDY, but if you have a perverse interest in what she had to say, drop me an e-mail and I'll give you the URL where you can find my interview with the bubblegum diva). In contrast, these 70's rockers surround themselves with enough sycophantic assistants to make a newly rich, sports star jealous.

I've got a name for these rockers, they are the "Gary Coleman Rockers". I didn't come up with the name; it is the brilliant moniker given by DJ Ivan, a regular writer at EAR CANDY. I was telling him how these bloated, dinosaur rockers had such contemptuous attitudes with new interviews. D.J. Ivan said, "[bands name] is to music what Gary Coleman is to acting. They should be grateful anyone wants to interview them."

So, what are "Gary Coleman Rockers"? You remember Gary Coleman, the child star from Different Strokes? Gary was cute with minimum talent, but enormously popular. He earned a large chunk of change, blew it and is now bitter. Now he is just a footnote with no social relevance. Now compare these 70's rockers to Gary. They too were hugely popular. Most of them blew their money. They now reside (to use a line from Spinal Tap) in the "where are they now files".

Who are the "Gary Coleman Rockers" that snubbed me? Sorry, I can't tell you because they would probably sue me (although it shouldn't be wrong to tell the truth!). But I will give you some hints. One of the bands is named after a city. Another is named after an aboriginal saying. Yet another is nicknamed after a city known for automobiles (and he is an avid hunter). Get the idea?

Am I bitter or hold a grudge? No, I actually find it quite amusing. Although, for grown men to live in such a fantasy world can be kinda disturbing. I guess I'll just avoid that little niche of 70's dinosaurs and focus on the truly relevant genres of rock and roll.

Oh, one more thing. I just realized that ALL of these bands were not mentioned in ANY of the recent multi-volume TV documentaries about the history of rock and roll. Maybe that should tell you something.